i can't get myself out of bed in the morning. i don't know what it is.  i just feel too tired to move.
need more energy!!

yay!!!!

i guess i can relax, somewhat......even though i can't sleep..... why is it that i always post when i can't sleep?
anyway,...
this summer has brought some events that anyone would dread.... the loss of my grandma. one of the few remaining relatives on my dad's side of the family.  
  this has bought on  a sort of reunion with my aunt, uncle and cousins which i really welcome....but i wish could have happened sooner.
 moving forward we really will be in contact more often. period.
  

i really wish that we could have had other reasons for coming together.
  still though, i just can't stop feeling guilty that i should have done more, visited more.....something. i dunno.
she was a great person though. and we will always celebrate that.




.......d

i'm sick.
   i woke up for some reason....
my powwwa got shut off cuz i'm a space case...it sucks to live in the dark ages.
  i did find a car though. and soon i can pick it up.  i'm going on a vacation for the first time in years to see my yobo. yay!
the end.

my neighbors are fucking twats!!!
they have been SLAMMING their door since 8 am. its almost 1am and i'm sick of it. i'm going to go out and punch them in the face the next time it happens. are they that effing stupid or what???!!! fucking trash if you asked me.
   the end

ps
    they really suck.

who are we? i'm not really sure.

i had this thought \...so i got out of bed...but now i think i've lost it.
 
people i run into ask me...."how is your son.... is he doing ok???"      everyone here knows the boy as my son. he always seems to have quite the fan club.
  honestly i'm flattered that anyone would possibly think that i'm even slightly able to take care of a child....taking care of myself has been tough enough......... and taking care of  a kid has been a real test.

 i guess i remember now.
   i got Tekkonkinkreet today. its about 2 kids who live on the street, one kid named black takes care of this other younger kid named white who is always happy and planting seeds and being happy while black is always out robbing and stealing, running the streets just to make it.  he balances black and teaches him to care. they live in this run down city filled with crime and despair.  it kinda reminds me of here.

people think that i'm someone's dad.  how about that.
   having a kid is scary.
theres no book for shit like that, just opinion.
  what if i had one of my own?? what would i do?
i will always look after the boy. thats not even an issue........can i handle being 100% responsible for a child of my own? its a scary thought for some reason......
i can take care of "someone else's kid" but i'm afraid to think about having one of my own.

i got lost in translation from netflix today. lost in translation wa ichiban desu.

lost in translation.
 this movie is so sly in its manipulation of your sense of yourself its amazing. every time i watch it theres a new layer...something to understand about yourself. its comforting to know that you aren't the only one who is lost and doesn't know what you're supposed to be, do  or how to use the talents and situations you're given to make something wonderful happen. this whole movie uses these 2 people who are sooo removed from their element to symbolize something so basic.... where am i? what am i doing? how do i get where i want to go? how do i communicate what i want and feel with others? do the really understand me, my thoughts, what i want them (or somebody else in general) to know about me???
  how do you really know any of these things when you are communicating with someone?   the past/present randomly bumping into the future, hoping for some insight of comfort that things will get easier...or fall into place....or that there is some kind of pay off that everyone is looking forward to. is it really there maybe i can see into the future......and on the other side of the  coin, maybe i can see into the past and remember what it was like..before there was all this responsibility. all there was was being carefree, like the wind... following the path of least resistance, a clock with no hands, the sun as your guide and possibilities with no boundary.

  These two characters who's only bond is their culture ( not some kind of romantic attraction) drawn together in a far away place sharing the same feelings at a different point in  the time line is so symbotic that it makes you really wonder if there ever really is this great enlightenment that everyone waits for...when, or if it does happen seems to be the mystery of life and of this movie as well since it doesn't seem to ever truly reveal its secrets.

Anyway this is just a fraction of the scratch to the surface of this film in my opinion.   i suppose there is way more detail i could go into but draw your own conclusions... reach you own conclusion to the story. find your own way.  either way i see the ending as a huge positive. molecular change at the atomic level has happened.. high carbon edges have been forged with low carbon cores to create the the best blade.
   there is hope. just follow the path as it presents itself. its waiting for you to see it.

today was lazy day.
   sleeping late. walked to the park. sat in the sun. happy.
also walked all the way to the auto mall on gold star. that was quite far. then if thats not enough punishment i walked all the way back to friendlys and up main st. hmmm. sleepy now.
   i want to try to finish disc 2 of 009-1 tonight  though.

i will also post an entry on why i cannot spell.
   ever.
totally, everything is wrong.....thanks spellcheck.

being awesome is only awesome is only awesome, if u'r really awesome.
   other wise you open yourself up to way too much criticism.
 clearing your mind and soul to recieve any sort of criticism is absolutely riciculous....i really don't think one can do it efficently and without question.

i will also be posting about why i hate myspace....but that will have t wait until i have wayyyyy more time.

double standards are sweet as long as you are not on the receiving end.
  the end

the a/c has finally been shut off in my apt. for the season...how sad. i enjoy my a/c while i sleep, its very relaxing. i will have to get a fan. the hum should be enough to help while i sleep though.

i prefer not to have the windows open.  the noise from the city is a bit much and makes things difficult to sleep.
must. find. fan.gahhh.

i'm totally addicted to watching videos on you tube....HELP!

nothing like a nondescript, extremely  vague entry.

theres nothing like being stuck in the middle of  a weird situation.
  so i don't know what to do.
i'm not entirely pleased with things are right now. ....more later.

going to the gym has not been a priority for the past few months. i've totally been getting lazy so i decided to get back in the swing of not being a total lazy ass.
for the past few weeks i've been dying whilst getting used to working out.
its toatlly paying off though!! i feel a million times better.
um... feel the bur and junk.